I am allowed to be human, to experience all that is, so I may serve in the manner to which is meant to be for all my current and future clients. I tell people, let it all out, allow it to happen, it will make you stronger and yet, I did not listen.
Some may say I am being to open and honest but, that is who I am.
Pretty much everyone knows that my daughter passed Sept 2016. Since then I thought I was doing pretty good....... I thought I was doing darn good. Truth is, the last few weeks I have been struggling and almost feel I am going backwards.
I reached out for help several times only to be told "go to this meeting, go to that meeting." Sitting in a room of others who have experienced the loss of a loved one is difficult however, in the two meetings I went to not one had another Mom in it. While I sent and gave my deepest condolences to all, no one knew what I was feeling or going through. So, that was that.
I completely immersed myself into reading blogs and searching out "bereaved Mothers" that had similar type of experience. Not one. I went to a few counselling sessions and it was all about other people, not addressing what I was experiencing. I was told "it will pass, give it time, have a nice day".
I am a Mom whose daughter passed and left behind 4 amazing and beautiful children. As a Mom I want to protect my Grandchildren. As "her" Mom, I thought it was my duty but realized it was my guilt talking. So, I buried it.....again. I was continually told how strong I am, I was told how selfish I was because it's not about me. I was being told to get over it, it will pass, it will become easier......yadda, yadda, yadda. It has been 8 months since she left.
In those 8 months it has been nothing but legal and government hell. On top of that I still had my own personal things to do and business things to do, helping other family members with their things, so, no, I hadn't had the "chance" to sit and realize......... she's really gone! That happened last week and once again, I told myself, "you are fine. You know where she is, you know you can "contact" her, you know all this, so you are okay". Then things began to collapse and became overwhelming. My daughters past employer puts on a charity golf tournament and this year they did it in her memory to raise money for the trust fund I opened for all 4 of my Grandkids. When it came close to that day, things began to unravel.
I realized that I had not yet "fallen apart". That I needed something but didn't know what. I can't do this! What will people think???? I have to be the strong one, I HAVE to stay together, I am NOT ALLOWED to go into this human emotion because I know better!! Well, Creator and the Universe have decided it for me and that I am not immuned to this human emotion this time. This time I have to go through ALL of it! YUCK!! Just a reminder, this is child number four that has "left the building" so I am well aware of "losing" a child but, this time, I have been forced into feeling ALL the human emotions.
With much love and understanding and even a kick in the pants, I was told what I NEEDED to hear. I was not talked to in a condescending way or in a way of "it will be fine, you'll get over it". I was talked to with "let it out, go through it, you must and there is nothing wrong with that". Thank you to all of you that did not brush off my "pain".
During this struggle a very much loved and admire teacher/mentor sent me this........ Please.......EVERYONE read it.
Acknowledge What Is So.
In the new madness of constantly staying positive, we have forgotten the value of acknowledging what is so. Masking what is so under a guise of positivity does not serve the individual.
Kahlil Gibran says "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." Denying our trauma and pain is counterproductive to our learning.
In the age of staying positive, we fail to allow ourselves to surrender to our deepest sorrow. We put up a brave face so others may not think we are weak or negative. But this pain will out. If not now, then later. If we cover our trauma and pain with a veneer of positivity, it will lie inside and fester and grow until it erupts, and cleanses itself in the light.
Don't hide your pain. Let it out. Show it to yourself and the world, that we may learn to honour each other once more. Allow others to hold you and care for you. Ask for what you need in your hour of darkness. Honouring both the yin and the yang, the positive and the negative, that darkens and the light - it is never one thing you see. It is always two sides of the same coin. The one cannot be if the other does not exist.
We have become so blasé about our endless positivity and our endless pseudo happiness that we have no idea how to be there for each other when we lie broken in a puddle on the floor. But our brokenness can only ever last as long as it lasts and inevitably, we will rise again. The wheel of life will never cease to turn. And it is only when we truly experience our darkness, that we can celebrate our light.
Some days it is just too hard to get out of bed. Other days we jump out of bed in delight of this world - and this is as it should be. Because without the one, we cannot appreciate the other. It is only ever love that gets us out of our deepest darkest moments. No mantra, or verse, or admonition, or gift will get our spirits risen once more. Only love. Love makes us whole again. And that is why we have to have people around us. We can not live in isolation. We need love and compassion to thrive.
Ride your rollercoaster with pride, be broken when you are and rise to your own glorious self when you are again whole. Love every part of who you are.
~Hilda de la Rosa