This popped up on my timeline today, the day before my daughter surrendered her exhausted physical body to the universe, 1 year ago.
I know that some of you will look at this and go “what??”….. you are forgiving her?? Confused I’m sure some of you are.
I forgave my daughter, for what? Well, let’s see…….. Leaving her kids, leaving her family, leaving her friends, leaving her life! The difficult part for me was and I am sure for many people, is letting go of the anger that comes with the forgiveness. Yes………letting go of the anger that is intertwined within the forgiveness!
You can forgive but, if you do not let the anger go, you only hurting yourself and in turn others. You lose sight of everything, the depth of what was, is no longer, and that, is happiness and joy.
I was angry at my daughter. REALLY angry at leaving us all behind and projected that anger. Though it was difficult to lose yet another child, seeing her eyes, hearing her voice, even in text messages, the pain but, mostly the fear of knowing that she was dying, it was only a matter of time that she would be leaving her children behind. That is the anger I held onto. I held onto that anger of why didn’t you spend more time with family, us, with your kids? Why wasn’t I able to help you, fix you? Why didn’t you go sooner to the Dr, why didn’t you try harder, why didn’t you listen to people when they told you that you should get checked out???? Why? Fear, because you knew…….you already knew that there was something going on and you didn’t want it to be true.
Forgive yourself daughter, forgive it all. It was your human body that was going through this. You went through all this so that your children would not have to.
You were the bravest and most courageous you could have ever been. You met this journey head on, jumping in with both feet and riding high and fast, like you always did.
All is good, we are all doing good but you know that. You know exactly what is going on and even you can only help so much as we all have our own rows to hoe. I miss you more than words can ever say. Am I angry that I will never get to have lunch with you, go shopping or just hang out? You bet but, I forgiven myself for that selfishness and being angry with you, for all of my anger, my sadness is mine.
I forgave you months ago and have since forgave myself but, the anger held on for a bit longer. It’s slowing going away and pretty much gone as it was your road, not mine. The anger is at myself……….the anger is mine.
For those of you who have lost a child will understand this. Those of you that have not (I pray you will never have to experience it), for those that have no children……….. you may not understand this rant but it doesn’t matter. This is for my daughter Kimberly, who may not be here in human form but she can darn well hear and see me!
Kimberly, I only ask that you watch over your children and give assistance to those that need it, to help them through this difficult time. I asked that you let your life long friends know that you are well aware of what they are doing and to help them heal.
Your heart was always HUGE……….let everyone see it now and forever.